and through it all, you calm my soul…
On days like these, I’m reminded why it has always been OK better than I could hope for.
Bitter Suites to Love.
I'll find a quiet path; somewhere alone where the shadows won't laugh.
Absolute submission is my form of freedom.
Honey, we’re home.
I know, it’s been a long while.
I guess when you’re distracted, it’s easy to lose sight. And this space, it was always just about me, using it to cast light on my own introverted thoughts and try to decipher my own mumbo jumbo-ed meanings. I do miss it though, I miss having an outlet. I miss invulnerable sessions with my walls somebody (something?); one that could never say anything back, yet always spoke to me. I’ve missed this box.
I always seem to get anxious about where I am in life. The control freak in me just can’t seem to shake that…habit. It’s a habit only because it occurs erratically and is more of a behavioral pattern, the same way some light a cigarette the moment they start to drive, or the same way some fidget uncontrollably. Anxiety is my customary cigarette and my frenzied fidgeting, and even though waves of love sometimes calm my body, it seems like when left to my own devices, I fall back and allow that anguish to plague my subconscious while I try to sleep.
Today though, today I’m at a good place in life (but then with hindsight we always are?). I’ve always had it easier than a lot of people, so I cannot complain, but of course, crossroads are a bit of a challenge. There is nothing scary about life, unless you’re attached to the results, and I find it difficult to embrace freedom and live simply without controlled expectation. Over the years, as I’ve grown, I’ve programmed myself to not feel guilty for wanting to laugh, for wanting to cry, to win, to lose, to experience joy and love and pain… For wanting to be carefree and completely enveloped in a moment. But then the reality of crossroads, and decisions, and planning will always pop its head from behind a corner, and then what? And then I’m distracted from my completely intentional and healthy attitude towards life, and crawl back into the box I feel safe in.
I don’t like that I feel safe in this box. I’ve worked so hard to get out of it, and it really pains me to so easily fall back into the arms of its walls. But then I guess… At least I’m feeling the pain.
Noise: Porcupine, Joseph Arthur.
But was it love?
The feeling of wanting to die beside her was clearly exaggerated: he had seen her only once before in his life! Was it simply the hysteria of a man who, aware deep down of his inaptitude for love, felt the self-deluding need to simulate it? His unconscious was so cowardly that the best partner it could choose for its little comedy was this miserable provincial waitress with practically no chance at all to enter his life!
Looking out over the courtyard at the dirty walls, he realized he had no idea whether it was hysteria or love.
And he was distressed that in a situation where a real man would instantly have known how to act, he was vacillating and therefore depriving the most beautiful moments he had ever experienced of their meaning.
He remained annoyed with himself until he realized that not knowing what he wanted was actually quite normal.
Aren’t they amazing - moments that are so good they make you want to cry? :)
Mmmm, I do miss the old school love songs.
got to love Thursdays. :)
I tell myself it I hate it to push it away.
And then add a smiley face, because I don’t want it to go.
… I hate you. :)
I’ll take care of you.
You have to love lip service to appreciate that.
There is a light,
it burns brighter than the sun…
He steals the night,
and casts no shadow.
There is hope…
Should oceans rise and moutains fall,
He never fails.
I don’t feel like it.
‘I don’t feel like it,’ said the rabbit, for he didn’t want to explain that he had no clockwork.
11.21.9.
“You are a man of extreme passion, a hungry man not quite sure where his appetite lies, a deeply frustrated man striving to project his individuality against a backdrop of rigid conformity.
You exist in a half-world suspended between two superstructures, one self-expression and the other self-destruction.
You are strong, but there is a flaw in your strength, and unless you learn to control it the flaw will prove stronger than your strength and defeat you.
The flaw? Explosive emotional reaction out of all proportion to the occasion.
Why? Why this unreasonable anger at the sight of others who are happy or content, this growing contempt for people and the desire to hurt them?
All right, you think they’re fools, you despise them because their morals, their happiness is the source of your frustration and resentment.
But these are dreadful enemies you carry within yourself - in time destructive as bullets.
Mercifully, a bullet kills its victim.
This other bacteria, permitted to age, does not kill a man but leaves in its wake the hulk of a creature torn and twisted; there is still fire within his being but it is kept alive by casting upon it faggots of scorn and hate.
He may successfully accumulate, but he does not accumulate success, for he is his own enemy and is kept from truly enjoying his achievements.
You pursue the negative.
You want not to give a damn.
To exist without responsibility.
Without faith or friends or warmth.”
- In Cold Blood
I sometimes forget what I’m like.
And that freaks me out.
But the memories always come back.
And that freaks me out, too.
I am a monster.
Dear Baby, I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that’s all they do. They don’t pull away. They don’t look at your face. They don’t try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness to it.
If you turned the switch off, you’d think the absolute darkness would offer some respite.
…but then after awhile, your eyes inevitably adjust.
So maybe there is no point in offing anything. You’re going to end up seeing anyway.
i feel the draft.
how can you trust your feelings something when it can just disappear like that?
